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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in the "Rachel" journal:[<< Previous 20 entries]
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07:49 am
[Link] | I'm moving my blog.
I'll email you all the new address.
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09:11 am
[Link] | So I can't exactly type about what happened to me this weekend, without mildly losing it and probably having to go home. Sooo I'm not going to.
Let's just say, I'm okay. I'm emotionally drained, I'm more at peace with the world, and I am sadder but not more depressed than I can ever remembering being.
I'll probably update a little later today. Just not together right now.
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01:12 pm
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Soooo.... for all of my wonderous readers who I know are out there and are curious and not posting
It went well. Chris ended up arriving moments before I did and we decided not to go to the concert and instead sat and talked.
Not to give out details of Chris's life, but we seemed to resolve some more things and progress into more of a mutual understanding of each other and why our relationship is better being over.
This is a complicated and long process and is just now starting to come full circle. I feel like I am really ready to move past it. Not be hurt by it anymore and not let it ruin my life. It's over in more ways than one.
Tonight, Shelby, Mah, Chris, and Mah's friends and I are going to go to a karoke bar and that should be a lot of fun... I'm not singing. I know for all of those fair and honest readers who have heard me sing, you are quite disappointed, but I'm sorry. Not enough vodka in the world would make me do that in front of strangers. Singing is more personal than that for me.
So basically, I'm doing good and I'm busy at work and I can't wait three more hours to go home... the time has basically stopped for me and even minute seems like an hour! Man, is it Friday or what?
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03:28 pm
[Link] | So I had to change my password to my computer this morning. I hate that, why can't I just keep all my passwords the same thing!? I don't think I can take too many more passwords stuffed into my brain. Ugh.
And I went to the gas station today and handed them my ATM card from Kansas, which of course didn't work. I was not thinking clearly! I am not losing it! You can't lose what you don't have damnit!
Chris just called me and he is lost driving around downtown Portland, the area they told me to avoid at all costs. Avoid it like the plague, like someone you lied to, and they found out! RUN AWAY! I guess it has a ton of one way streets and the streets aren't labeled and it's all in circles and one can get lost for days there. Hopefully that won't happen to Chris, otherwise he might have to spend his birthday driving around with Oreo screaming in the background. But he should with any luck, be able to meet me at my apartment when I get off work and drop off the cat then. Should be interesting to say the least.
So far, I'm doing fine. I don't really care much. I talked him out of going to that concert, partly because i don't want to go a concert and partly because I am tired and it would be weird. At first it sounded like a good idea, the Magnetic fields are very cool, but then on a Thursday? at night? somewhere I don't know? with just Chris and I? It started to sound less appealing to me. Then he had problems buying tickets and it seemed like a sign that we shouldn't go anyways.
Tomorrow Shelby is coming down from Seattle, and Mah is going to round up some friends of hers and we are all going to go out. I think that will be much more fun and am looking forward to it. I miss seeing Shelby so that should be cool. And I haven't seen Mah in a while as well.
The counselor was horrid. He basically told me about all the stuff to do in Portland and told me that if I got out more, I would be just fine. I felt like he was minimizing my feelings. True, I didn't start crying when I talked about the things that upset me, but that didn't mean that I haven't been laying in bed crying to myself. Humpf. He wasn't helpful. I knew a lot about the things he was talking about and in some instances more than he did. It frusterated me and I felt like I wasted my time. But it was the first session and I try to give people benefits of the doubt. And right now I am seriously doubting. We will see. He said to call back in a few weeks or so and maybe be seen to check up on me. Sigh, so did not understand.
At least it's Thursday. And all in all, I am doing pretty good considering. My mood is quite a bit more optomisitic and I am feeling like kickin some ass so Chris better not mess with me or else...
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11:25 am
[Link] | Chris is coming tomorrow. I tell myself I just need to keep reminding myself that I can leave. I don't have to occupy him. I don't have to hang out with him if I don't want to. And then it seems a lot better. I think it will go ok. It doesn't seem real though. I never trusted him enough to believe he would actually come here, but he should be on the road by now I think.
I ended up rescheduling my counseling appointemtn for tonight which is even better. I need to go to it.
Shelby's coming Friday to hang out with Chris and I. It will be odd and cool to get to see him.
I'm going to go out to Andy's house on Sunday to check up on his cats and grab back my CD's. That should be good to have back. I miss my music.
My back still hurts, I don't know what I did to it, but man...
The weather is depressing, but I'm doing ok. Feeling rather pensive and reflective. I think it's time for me to continue my life story and do some updates in my spare time....
I'm hungry. I want chicken sandwich and a cigarette. Good thing I only have to wait for a half an hour more.
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12:45 pm
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This is so not my week..month..year...life
So the counseling appointments I had set up just cancelled on me. Said I had to reschedule and call back. In my spare time, play phone tag for another few years.
Anger has not set in yet, I feel mostly pensive and resigned to that fate that I seem to have coming my way.
I started another blog. I know, another one, but this one I will write in. Not update with how I'm doing, but rather write about what I am thinking about.
If you want to chat casually about things, post in here. If you want to chat more in depth about concepts that are in my mind, post here:
http://whomoo.blogspot.com
Humu was already taken, as was wabisabi. I figured the pronouciation was close enough.
/sigh
1 1/2 hours until break...
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10:22 am
[Link] | So my back hurts. I think I slept on it wrong or soemthing. It will be okay though. Just gotta wait it out, but it makes me feel old.
The weather has been gloomy here. Cold and rainy, it makes me want to curl up into a little ball and read and listen to Ghosty and write in my journal and be pensive. Not that it is a bad thing, but if I get bad news, it might set me off into an episode of illness.
I'm sneezing a lot. My eyes are crusty. I'm hoping it's just Waffle. I don't feel half as bad as I used to and mold is kinda high according to pollen.com so that might be it. I should probably eat better, excerise, sleep more, have less stress in my life, stop smoking, and go see a doctor, huh?
Man I hate it when I know what I should be doing and I'm not doing it.
I have been really very seriously considering going into some sort of counseling but I wonder if it will cause me the same pain of just knowing more and more what I should be doing and not doing it.
Baby steps I suppose. It's all in good time.
I'm not as bad off as I was yesterday, so no one panic. I just needed to lay on the floor and get a good helping of some James Taylor, Ghosty, and Radiohead. It's amazing how much I missed listening to music. I should get a better stereo than my $20 alarm clock. It's not cutting it. And I think I left most of my good CD's at Andy's. But he is going to California this weekend and I am going to check up on his cats, and I bet I could get them then. At least I hope I left my good CD's there. Otherwise i'm screwed.
I'm tired. I want to go to bed. But I still have 5 1/2 hours before I can. And maybe I shouldn't. Napping has a way of warping me.....oh, surely an hour can't hurt! If nothing else it gives me something to look forward to. 1 1/2 hours to lunch...then 2 hours until break.. then 1 1/2 hours to go home and sleep, ah beautiful sleep, how I long for thee! Thou allowst mine own self to forget my hours of misery and woe in a blissful happy obivilion.
By the way if any of you have my life story, could you email it to me? I seem to have lost my copy.
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03:59 pm
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Hm
Not much to update really. I just wanted to say I am alive.
My biological father is calling me drunk and suicidal.
I can't find a support group near me.
I just got an appointment with a counselor for Thursday.
Chris is coming on Thursday to drop off Oreo. That should be painfully interesting...
I'm depressed, but not badly.
I will update more another time. It's 4pm and time to go home.
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01:46 pm
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Monday
Ugh. So it's Monday. Not the best of days nor the worst. Busy at work. Got lots of stuff to do, people to call, things to learn. Had an ok weekend. Spent most of it moving Andy's grandpa to assisted living, which went well but I had to get up at 7am and I had to work for the whole day. So I spent the rest of the day napping and doing nothing. It made me rather unmotivated to do things like get groceries.
Sunday I got digital cable. I have HBO on demand and can watch Six Feet Under whenever I want. Man, I love cable. I got CNN!! News addiction is back in full force. Too bad I don't have any time to watch TV.
Welp, gotta get back to work. Took me off hold.
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12:46 pm
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She blew
So I guess the volcano blew up. Sigh, no ash, no nothing. Looks unlikely at this point that it will impact me at all. Makes me sad really I wanted some excitement damnit....
http://www.cnn.com/2004/TECH/science/10/01/mount.st.helens/index.html
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09:25 am
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Chipmunks
So it ends up that all of the smokers are all going outside to look for a chipmunk. They all saw a little baby one yesterday. It was interesting to them to see one. They say it's rare around here. It's amazing how one little creature digging around in the rocks can make someone's day light up and give so many people something to talk about. It's all the conversation in the smoker's area.
I am doing okay. This weekend I am going to hang out with Maharett and see her new apartment. That should be fun. I am tired. I'm glad it's Friday and I get to wear jeans. I just hope I get to sleep in tomorrow. Andy's grandma might need us to get up early and help move his grandpa. Which may mean we have to get up at the same times we do during the week. That will suck. Not that I need to sleep in until 2pm or anything, but man, I would really love to sleep until 11. Especially cause I'm dreaming.
I forgot my book today and that will bite when I go to lunch. Won't have much to do besides eat and that's no fun.
The volcano around here is supposed to errupt soon. That should be interesting. I'm in no danger of getting hurt from it, just ash and debris depending on the direction of the wind. What sort of a weird place is this? No tornados, volcanos though. It's strange. And people are complaining cause it's like 70 degrees outside. They normally get warmer weather this time of year. LOL!
This Sunday we are getting extended cable. That should be fun.
I am doing okay. I miss all of you and hope you are doing ok. Give me a call or email me. Let me know what you are up to!
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03:58 pm
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FOR THOSE CONCERNED WITH NEEDLE TALK DO NOT READ BELOW WRITEN BLOG!
I warned you....
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09:29 am
[Link] | So it's wed. Not bad, I made it halfway thru the week. And I'm not completely fried, although it's close. I'm kinda stressed out.
There was an email about a blood drive going on in the building and I'm tempted to partake. I love getting my blood drawn and I hear it's fun and I am the universal donor and all that jazz. I dunno though, it's kinda scary, but it's an hour of pain that I think I get paid for. I need to talk to my boss about it.
So how's you alls? I am okish. I am going on break now. More later if I get time...
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09:33 am
[Link] | So it's Monday. You gotta love that. At least I do like my job and they are giving me plenty of time to do my work, so like now, I have down time. This weekend was alright. I bought new shoes. Mary Jane's with almost no back part. It's odd, it is like they want to be complete shoes but ended up being sandals. I'm still getting used to it. I got a new black sweater, which is always a good stable to go with what I have. I own a lot of black. I guess I like it cause it looks more dressy without being more dressy. And a part of my goth self wants to come out so I allow it to live in my black staples.
Waffle has decided to start going outside more and more now and sometimes not come back for a few hours. I think it's a good thing. He has freedom. I saw him try to climb a tree for the first time this weekend.
My friend, Doorhead, got SWG (Star Wars Galaxies, for those not up to speed). So that means I can play the game I have been playing for a while now with half my friends from Kansas. It's almost like hanging out with them. Not quite, but as good as it gets when I am in Washington state.
I guess that's about it. I'm doing ok. Just got the Mondays and wish I was still at home sleeping, but man I love paychecks. It's nice to have them again.
Hope you are all doing well. Will update this more often and I will send an email out to most of you to remind you that I still write in it. I guess it's just easier to write in, when I have a job.
Happy Monday.
Current Mood:  It's Monday
Current Music: Whatever I want to listen to, this is really cool.
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03:55 pm
[Link] |
I will be back to updating this soon.
Soon I will be back to updating this when I get free time at a job that allows me to do it.
For those who are interested.
I will also be emailing everyone to tell them to check this for more updates and stuff.
For anyone who is interested, I am doing well. I really like my job and it is working out well. It's Friday afternoon and I am dreading the traffic on my way home, but other than that I am doing well.
I get my own radio so I get to listen to what I want and that rocks.
Tomorrow would have been my 5 year anniversary with Chris, so I am bummed out. I'm definately better off without him, but I miss what we had sometimes. So tomorrow I might lay in bed for a while, but no worries, nothing permant and I am not depressed.
Oddly I haven't been sick or depressed since I got here. Sure worried, upset, bummed, achy, sneezy, but not like I used to be. I think that's a good thing.
Well anyways, time to go home. Talk to you all cats very soon.
-Rachel
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12:10 pm
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GOOD NEWS
GUESS WHAT!?!?!?
I GOT THE JOB!
I GOT THE JOB!
I GOT THE JOB!
That's right, I got the job!!
I start a week from Monday! I'm really excited! WOOO HOOOO!
They are e-mailing me more paperwork to do and it's still contingent on my background check and drug test. But both of those should go just fine!!! I guess I did get a speeding ticket once and I don't have great credit, since I don't have any credit. But I don't think that will be reason to not have it check out!
I GOT THE JOB!!!
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01:12 pm
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Phone status
Okay to any of you in doubt.
I can not make outgoing calls.
I can recieve incomming ones, but I can't check my voicemail.
I will keep my phone with me as much as possible and answer it all the time.
I don't know what I'm going to do when the week is up and I can't even get calls anymore.
Still haven't heard back from the job place. Hope it is today or tomorrow.
Ugh.
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03:23 pm
[Link] |
Yep, I went to grade school with his daughter
http://www.ljworld.com/section/election04/story/179014
Yes, this is the town I grew up in.
Yep, I went to grade school with his daughter. She called me Racket Jaws, she made me cry.
My mom called me to let me know the crazy news. Little did I know...
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10:22 am
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YES I AM SORRY I HAVE NOT UPDATED THIS RECENTLY!
For the first time in a long time, real life has been exciting enough that I didn't have enough spare time to mess with this a bunch. That and I have been sleeping in until noon. Anyone surprized? Good, you should all know me well enough by now.
I am going to enclose a paragraph of the past couple of days events that I also included on some of you, my fab readers, emails. So ignore if you are already awares.
I started sending out resumes this past week to some social service jobs and some admin jobs with some HR part to the job. I think I either want to get involved in HR or in some type of direct social service job. I got called back for an interview from Life Era, which is part of United Health Group, which is one of the biggest health care agencies in the nation. It was for a resource and referral consultant. Basically I would do Internet research for finding resources for clients that call in and talk to the certified counselors. I am excited about the position because it is a good combination of my office skills, my love for the Internet, and my degree. But on my way to the interview, not only did I get lost, but I got stuck in horrible traffic and was about 20 minutes late!! I was horrified and called them to let them know. They seemed to understand that traffic happens, but I still felt horrid about being so late. I'm not holding my breath for the position, but I really think it would be a good match for me. But if nothing else, they said they have hired people with BSWs from KU before and that they knew about Headquarters and thought it was a great program. That made me feel better that my degree was known even here and that some of my volunteer work was also known. I had only sent out a few applications before I got a call back so that seemed promising. Now if I can get a handle on traffic, I should be good.
Other than that fiasco. I am still looking for jobs. Andy is spoiling me rotten, and Waffle is doing really great. Like he is running around the house as I type this playing with his new catnip toys sliding around making hunting noises.
Last night Waffle got on the bed and Domino jumped off so Andy made the comment of "It's like Highlander, there can be only one!" So I think that's the deal Waffle and Domino have going, the Highlander deal. So far so good, and no cuddling up together yet, but I am hoping for it soon!
Really my life here has been pretty uneventful and I like it that way. No constant drama, no crisis, just chilling. It's a new way of life for me in a lot of ways, I am used to living crisis to crisis. But it doesn't give me much to write about on a blog.
Hope you are all doing well. Email me! I will reply, it just takes me a little bit sometimes. I'm....busy! doing.....stuff!
YAH!
So anyways, keep your fingers crossed for me in my job search and remember I don't want the world, I just want your half.
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02:09 pm
[Link] | So this weekend Andy and I went to a great lake and had a good time swimming. IT was quite different than Kansas lakes. For one, it was clear, for another it was in the mountains, for another the trees were ENORMOUS! I took pics that Andy will help me update to my blog soon I hope :)
I have been doing good. I am working on resume now and seriously considering applying for secretary/receptionist/csr stuff until I get used to being here. Before I go all out social worker stuff.
Waffle is doing well and he seems to be happy here. He and Domino are getting along great and they are even hanging out together.
I drove to the store yesterday by myself. So soon I will be forced to actually drive to many places. Big city driving scares me, but the sooner I do it, the sooner I will be used to it. The sooner I get lost, the sooner I will find my way back. So I guess I need to just do it.
How are you all?
Anything new going on?
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