| Prelusion of a real life |
[Feb. 9th, 2005|07:49 pm] |
I have hated spring festivals, and for years I grew bitterness and cynicism in me to block the bleak scene in my own family. My immagination became powerful, taking place of my self pity and the lackness of love. Still I am a kid without dad, been lonely and strong and cold since the day he left for his own happiness. I used to transfer my hurtful feelings into hatred, but it did not last long as I became a woman in this strange town and determined a life of my own. Call me proud and I won't stare. I will run away from the edge of the reality and build up a stoney castle again.
But I always remember my previous New year's eves with mom, how we struggled and encouraged together, how she tried to give to act to hug to love, how she sacrificed her own self. I wouldn't go back, mom, and I hate to sacrifice any human's life to gain the so-called glee. They are so shallow, mom, only your arms are truely warm and firm, mom, they all gone evetually, mom, because I want my alone soul to be pure and creative. And I hate to be bothered by their own thoughts, their lives, their numberless kisses.
My little heels sank into the smooth lawn of this town, mom, did you see my feverous passion burning up everywhere I touch? Did you notice the deepened frown underneath my limp expression? Please don't, 'cause I will never let you have the whole, mom, you deserve the best part of your daughter, your own flesh, your own creation of love and life. Tell me God wont betray--he is just being naughty, and he plays with my destiny. He laughes at me when I weep. But I will look him in the eye levelly, telling him I am getting there, telling him step aside.
Days molder away everything, everything that matters to me and I eventually move on for the best. I do not want to look back-- I am only a lier to tell sweet lies, to fool the world and my self. But they want me, only because I am woman, a kind of my own.
I am searching, all my life, dumping, and trying. I desire understanding, but I won't comprimise. Dont know what it is like to have a real life, since all the ups and downs before were only prelusion dipped in flowers flowing on the surface of the water. I wail and I cheer.
Let it vanish, let my castle grow higher, let life expand and let myself out of the safe cocoon... Let life burn with love and lies and youth and pain and my flesh. I am no one to fear. |
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